Hold My Hand Read online

  If she weren’t such a big coward, she’d finish the job herself. She had thought of it many times. Had thought of ending things by her own will and not letting the disease win. She had always been her own fucking boss. What did this fucking cancer think—that she’d silently wait until it killed her? She might as well do it herself, do it her own way.

  But then Loredana had kept reminding her that she wasn’t a quitter. She was a fighter. She had been through enough shit in her life. If she wanted to show this damn cancer that it couldn’t make any decisions about her life, then she had to fight. Fight with all the power she had left.

  But what was even left to fight for now? Nothing. Fucking nothing.

  It was time to leave this place.

  No, she wasn’t going to kill herself, not yet, but it was time to get away from here. Away from this apartment full of memories, away from her doctor who kept trying to talk her into another chemo, away from the woman she loved and whose life she was mixing up, away from everything.

  She would jump into a plane and find a quiet place to die. She’d spend all her money in those last months and make it easier for everyone. It was time to say good-bye to Savannah Cortez.

  Savannah got up from her seat and stumbled through the hallway. She hastily opened all of her drawers, searching for old photo albums, documents, certificates, or letters. Anything with her name on it. She carried it all outside onto her balcony and threw everything into the bin.

  A swimming award from when she was six years old—bye-bye.

  Pictures of herself smiling and standing next to her parents, adios.

  Several certificates from cheerleading camp. Savannah hesitated. Her thoughts flashed back to the nights when Bethany had crawled into her bed in their dorm. They had been fourteen and far from dating officially.

  “I can’t sleep, Savannah. I don’t like cheer camp. The girls keep making fun of me, and it’s exhausting. I mean, I love dancing but not if they drill me so much. The coach keeps yelling and yelling, and I just want to disappear.”

  “Hey, Beth-Beth.” Savannah let her snuggle under her covers and wrapped an arm around her. “You’re better than all of them, you know that, right? You’re better than any of those other girls, and they are just being bitches because your talent scares them. And the coach—well, the next time she yells at you, just imagine she’s wearing a big chicken costume. A really fat chicken with yellow feathers.”

  The image had made Bethany giggle, and she had let her head rest on Savannah’s shoulder. Sometimes they had kissed when they could be sure that no one was looking. At that point, she had been convinced that they were only curious. Little had she known that this girl would forever be her one and only, that she’d be all she could possibly want in her life.

  Savannah made herself get rid of these thoughts. She stared at the certificates one last time before throwing them into the bin as well.

  A few pictures—ones that reminded her of the happy days, of the careless times—were a little harder to throw away. She let her finger run along the images of herself, along her happy, smiling face. There weren’t many of those pictures. A lot of them portrayed a young woman who was scared to show her true self, scared to deal with herself and her sexuality. The best pictures were those of her happiest years, living together with Bethany, finally having found herself, finally sure where she belonged.

  Five happy years that she was thankful for. They should have taken more pictures in those years. They were the only ones worth remembering.

  Savannah shook her head, close to crying again, so she threw the whole album into the bin before any particular picture might make her stomach turn around again. Then she grabbed her wig and stared at it.

  I don’t need you anymore. This Savannah is long gone.

  She tried to ignore the lump in her throat when the wig ended up on top of the pile. She fumbled with the matches as she pulled them out of her pocket.

  She stared into the flames of her past, watched the thick smoke being carried away into the sky.

  Her gaze followed the red sparks flying around her, and she felt as if a heavy weight had fallen off her shoulders. She had the upper hand. She could make the decisions. It was up to her to decide when she was going to leave, and this was the first step. She needed this. She needed this to remind herself that she didn’t want to look back anymore.

  The heat radiating from the little fire felt warm on Savannah’s skin, and she closed her eyes for a moment, listening to the rustling of the burning hair and paper in the bin. Tonight she was going to look for a place to travel to. For her final destination. She’d check her bank account and then make a decision. Beach? Mountains? Deserts? Forests?

  Surely the Internet would provide her with a few ideas.

  It was bright when Bethany opened her eyes again, and her heart skipped a beat when she realized she wasn’t at home. She eventually realized she was still at her mother’s place. Within seconds, her stomach tightened. The memories came back, her awful headache an instant reminder of the drinking, and the reason why she had done it in the first place.

  It all felt like a bad dream, like her worst nightmare. But it wasn’t a dream. It was real.

  She needed to get out of this house. She felt dirty and sweaty and uncomfortable, and there were so many things going on in her head that she needed to sort out. She had to plan her next move, had to get a clear head and do something.

  Bethany quickly stripped out of her pyjamas and put her jeans and shirt back on before heading down to the kitchen. Her mother was preparing breakfast, and the room smelled of fresh coffee.

  “Mom, I have to go. I shouldn’t have passed out like this. I’m sorry I was wasted. I—”

  “Good morning, honey,” Eliza greeted her and poured some orange juice into a glass. “Don’t apologize. Sit down and eat something with me. You need energy.”

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

  Eliza sighed. “Of course you can, Beth. I understand that you’re still mixed up and emotional, but there’s nothing you can do that will change the situation right now. You might as well think of your health and give your body some vitamins.”

  Bethany didn’t want to sit down. She grabbed the glass and drowned the orange juice in one. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

  “Beth?”

  “Hm?”

  “Please tell Savannah that I’m sending her all my best wishes, will you? And bring her over here whenever you want to. I’d be happy to have dinner with you two like in the good old days.”

  Bethany closed the top button of her warm coat and tried hard not to imagine Savannah and herself happily sitting at the dinner table with her family. She tried not to think of the many times Savannah had been angry with her because Bethany had started stroking her thigh under said table. Her hand had always travelled a little higher, and Savannah had nervously tried to push her away, her perfect-daughter-in-law-smile frozen on her face.

  “Beth?”

  “Yeah. Erm. I’ll tell her that.”

  Sadness took over Bethany as she quickly hugged her mother and made her way over to the door.

  “Bye, Mom.”

  Bethany felt terribly sorry for not having talked to Amber. She must be worried and angry. Seventeen missed calls, five texts.

  The air outside felt much colder than a few days ago, and Bethany pulled her scarf a little tighter before dialling Amber’s number.

  “Bethany, where the fuck have you been?” Bethany had to hold the phone away from her ear. Sweet, calm Amber could obviously be loud and angry too.

  “I’m so sorry, Ams. I was at my mom’s.”

  “All night? Seriously, Bethany, I was this close to calling the police because you never answered my calls. Is there something you need to tell me? Seriously, tell me!”

&nbs
p; “Ams.” Bethany sat down on a huge stone to stretch her legs. She sighed. “Amber, Savannah is dying.”

  Silence.

  “She’s…what?”

  “She has cancer, Ams. She only has a few more months to live. She lied to me to protect me. There’s no other woman. There never was.”

  “Oh my God.” Amber’s voice didn’t sound angry anymore. “Beth, I don’t know what to say. I mean…how could she do that? Lie to you like that? Of course it’s awful, and I’m terribly sorry to hear all this, but what are you going to do now?”

  “Be there for her. That’s what I’m doing.”

  There was no response.

  “Amber, I have to. Oh my God, I’ve known her my whole life, and she’s all alone. I can’t let her be alone. I can’t.” Damn these stupid tears. When will my tear stash ever be empty?

  Amber cleared her throat. “Yes, of course you need to be there for her. And I’m willing to help you if you need me. I’m really sorry. You must feel completely awful.”

  “It’s been the worst night of my life,” Bethany replied honestly. The air was fogging in front of her face. “And I don’t know how to deal with it. Not at all.”

  “Why didn’t you call me earlier, Beth? I’m your girlfriend, your partner. Why did you shut me out? Why didn’t you contact me and ask me to be there for you?”

  “I don’t know. I was just completely confused.”

  It was the truth. Bethany had never been more confused in her life. And she had never been that drunk.

  “I’m sorry,” Amber continued. “I don’t want to be too demanding. It’s just… What is this going to mean for us?” Her voice sounded fragile now. “Please, if you’re going to break up with me, I need to know it right away. Please spare me an even bigger heartbreak.”

  Bethany felt a lump in her throat. She didn’t want to lose Amber; she loved having her in her life. But right now, well, right now all she could think of was Savannah. All she could think about was how much time there might be left for her.

  She tried hard to think rationally, tried hard to look at the situation from a more neutral perspective. Tried to see things the way she had seen them a week or a month ago when Amber had been the most important person in her life, and, no, she couldn’t lose her.

  “So? Are you? Breaking up with me?” Amber whispered, not able to hide the fear in her voice.

  “No. I do love you, Ams. I want to be with you! You’ve always been so good to me. It’s just…” Bethany tried to explain and bit her lower lip. “I need to be there for Savannah in these next months. If she lets me. Please understand that it has nothing to do with us or the fact that she’s my ex. But she has no one. She’s all alone. I don’t want her to die alone. She needs me.”

  “I understand that,” Amber told her sincerely. “I promise.”

  “Okay, um, thank you,” Bethany replied, the phone still pressed closely to her ear.

  “I love you,” Amber said. Her voice filled with hope as she waited for Bethany’s reply.

  “I love you too. I promise to call you soon, okay?”

  “Yeah,” Amber said, and the call disconnected.

  Bethany took a deep breath. The first step was done. Things with Amber were clear for now. She definitely had to talk to Savannah again.

  It didn’t take her long to get back to the apartment. When she got there, the front door was open. Their old neighbour, Mrs. McPherson, was cleaning the hallway, sweeping dirt out onto the pavement.

  “Hi, Mrs. McPherson,” Bethany greeted her.

  “Bethany,” she muttered. “Are you and Savannah back together?”

  She sounded as if she feared the answer, and Bethany had to hold back a smile.

  Bethany remembered the times she had run after Savannah to tickle her. They had almost always ended up physically fighting each other—in a playful way, of course. They had laughed and screamed and tackled each other until Mrs. McPherson had hammered against the wall with a broom. The next day, she had always given them both a very judging look and had mumbled something about young sex addicts and the terrible changes in society. Good old Mrs. McPherson. Bethany missed her.

  “No,” she replied and shook her head. “No, we’re not back together. But we’re friends.”

  “With benefits.” The elderly woman had always had short, sharp things to say about Bethany and Savannah’s sex life.

  She focused back on her broom again, and Bethany pretended not to hear as she made her way to Savannah’s apartment.

  When she knocked, no one answered. She carefully pushed the door open. Savannah usually kept it open during the day and only locked up before she went to bed.

  “Savy?” she asked and slowly stepped inside. “Savy, are you there?”

  But then she saw her, and her heart skipped a beat. Savannah was asleep on the sofa, an empty bottle of wine on the floor and the laptop opened on the table. She was lying on her belly, one arm and one leg hanging off the couch, limp.

  Her hair. It’s short.

  It took Bethany a minute to understand what was going on, and then the tears came back right away. Savannah looked beautiful. She looked thin and exhausted, but her face was as flawless as ever under her cap of short hair which barely covered her ears. Bethany noticed that it highlighted her beautiful features even more. Savannah was the prettiest woman she knew. And the short hair was a reminder of what she must have been through. Without her.

  Bethany had heard stories about chemotherapy. Had heard about the side effects, about the weakness, the pain. And there was always the chance that it might not work.

  Savannah had lost her hair. She had sat through countless hours of torture, and Bethany hadn’t been there for her. Her chest closed up again, and her breath shortened. She had a silly need to stroke Savannah’s head.

  “Savy, hey.” She tried waking her and softly touched her arm.

  Savannah’s eyes opened slowly, and she gave her a weak smile.

  “Beth.” For a moment, she seemed happy to see her, then her smile dropped away, as if she realized she wasn’t dreaming. “Uh, Beth, what are you doing here?”

  She batted at her hair and then frantically started searching around. “I—I got rid of my wig,” she stuttered.

  Bethany smiled. “You don’t need it. You look beautiful.”

  Savannah gave her an incredulous look but didn’t say anything. Bethany looked around the room and noticed that the walls were bare. Pictures were missing. It made her worry.

  “Beth, I don’t know why you’re here again, but if it’s about that kiss, I’m sorry. We—I mean…I shouldn’t have. And I understand it was wrong, and it’s definitely for the best if we don’t see each other again.”

  “Why would you say that?” Bethany replied slowly, though it wasn’t a question; it was more of an exhausted statement. Why would Savannah still push her away, even now, after everything was out in the open?

  “Beth, I made my decision. It wasn’t what I had planned. It wasn’t what was supposed to happen. If you had never found out, you would have forgotten me at some point. But it didn’t work like that. We ran into each other again, and it mixed everything up. But I’m leaving this time. I’m leaving for real, and it will make it easier, less complicated. And you can go back to your life and—”

  “Shut up.”

  “Excuse me?” Savannah crossed her arms in front of her chest.

  “You’re going to sit down, and you’re going to listen to me right now, Savannah.” She adopted a tone that did not allow any protest. “I’m tired of all the plans that you’ve made. I’m seriously tired of it. Tired of the fact that you think you have the right to keep things from me and decide things over my head. I don’t know what on earth made you do this, but trust me, I am still so, so mad at you.”

 
“Beth—”

  “I said listen to me. No interruptions!”

  Savannah looked upset but kept quiet.

  “I am still mad at you, and I can’t believe you did this. I can’t believe you would choose this life over me. Even if you say you did this to protect me, it’s no excuse.”

  She took a deep breath and sat down in front of Savannah so their faces were on the same level. “You’re still important to me, Savy. You’ll always be important to me. I’ve loved you with all my heart, even long before we started dating. I grew up with you. You’re a part of me. Don’t you see that?”

  Savannah tried to break eye contact, but Bethany softly grabbed her chin and made her look at her.

  “You’ve made enough crazy plans for both of us. Now it’s time that I make a plan, you hear me? It’s my turn now. You owe me that much.”

  Savannah’s chin quivered under Bethany’s fingertips.

  “I will not accept this decision you made, Savy. I will not let you leave this world alone. I want to be here for you. I always will. No matter what.” She took Savannah’s hand in hers and didn’t let go. She looked into Savannah’s eyes and kept her gaze strong. “I have a few demands.”

  Savannah stared at her with huge eyes.

  “I demand that you let me do this,” Bethany said. “I demand that you let me back into your life. As the girl who has been your best friend since first grade. As the girl who knows you better than anybody else in this world.” She paused, then said, “I demand that you don’t hide yourself from me. I demand that even if we’re not together anymore, you will tell me how you feel, when you’re scared.”

  Bethany squeezed Savannah’s hand a little tighter when she saw a tear on her cheek. “And I want you to allow me to be scared too. I want us to be honest with each other. No more lies, never again. I want us to cry together when we feel the need to, I want us to hug each other when we need the comfort, and I want us to laugh together when we need to cheer each other up. I want you to take me to your doctor’s appointments. I don’t want you to go alone anymore. I want to know everything that’s going on with you. I want to know everything about your medical condition. I’m going to read as much as I can about liver cancer until my brain feels like fried eggs, and then I want to talk to that doctor and hear everything she has to say about the situation.